You Can Now Use H.P. Lovecraft-Inspired Predictive Text

Plus, Reese's New Book Club Pick and the Doomsday Clock

Hello, readers.

I will never be on time again.

It’s just a fact. As a father of two young ones, I realize this is just my new reality and I must accept it.

Time does not serve us, we serve our children.

If I say I am going to be there at a certain hour, just know I am now living in a different timezone (Tardy Mountain Time) and you should really add 20-25 minutes to my ETA at least, and that is being generous.

I swear I respect you and your time. I want to be on time (even early), but just know there are two tiny little terrorists always sabotaging me. I call them the “Time Bandits.”

This is not “time blindness;" I perceive time perhaps even more than others. I am “hyper time aware,” constantly agonizing over the minutes lost as they tick away along with my best intentions. It is agonizing.

I used to always be the guy who got there early—school, work, extracurriculars. I used to pride myself on being there at least 15 minutes ahead of time. The extra time afforded me to get a headstart, read or listen to music, or to just think.

I had a reputation; I was reliable (and then some).

If we were going to meet up to study, I got there early to get us the best study room and would set the stage for the best cram-sesh you could ever want—books open, seats scooted, snacks laid.

At work, I was the first guy in the door. Lights on, coffee brewing, schedule set.

After hours, you know I would get to the venue first. You could rely on me to get the best table or seats, scope the bathroom situation, and plan the best route to make a clean exit. A beer or other beverage was already bought and ready for you.

But now, fatherhood has set me back a little bit. I am no longer the early bird getting the worm, and on some days, I might not ever show up for the scraps of a late breakfast.

The funny thing is I’m “up” earlier than I ever was, just unable to really be “at ‘em.” No matter how early I rise, the Time Bandits will always seek to destroy me.

Now, I can only make a plan to hopefully be on time-ish, but I know it isn’t quite possible. Please, don’t ever wait for me to start something. Just do it. I’ll catch myself up when I finally get there.

I must accept this new life. Truly, now doth time waste me.

But please, let me pre-apologize so I can once again feel the exhilaration of being early.

Anyways…

Our top story involves a predictive text tool that knows which racial slur H.P. Lovecraft would have typed next.

Also, Reese Witherspoon makes her latest (and probably strangest) book club pick.

Finally, scientists say the Doomsday Clock continues to tick to January 20th.

Hawthorne said, “Time flies over us, but leaves its shadow behind.”

A must read.

The Read with Reese Book Club has chosen some great books with a woman as the central part of the story: 'Where the Crawdads Are,' 'The Sanatorium,' and 'Everything Inside,' to name a few.

But her most recent pick breaks that formula and even has some of her most dedicated fans scratching their heads. This month, Reese chose bizarro author Cameron Pierce's 'Ass Goblins of Auschwitz' (yes, this is an actual book), a tale that centers on a flatulent race of aliens who try to enslave humanity.

Reese's Book Club fans are confused, but steadily buying and reading the book. There is no real female character to speak of and the book lacks the literary merit of her previous books. So why this one, Reese?

"I've been a fan of Cameron Pierce since 'Pickled Apocalypse of Pancake Island.' I've always wanted to include male authors in my Book Club, and there is no better author to start with than Pierce."

Scientists announced today that the hands of the Doomsday Clock will continue to move to January 20th—the closest it has ever been to the apocalypse.

Every year, determines how much metaphorical time we have to avert catastrophe for humankind. Over the past 75 years, the hands of the clock have moved according to whether steps were taken to address threats that could end human civilization on Earth.

This year, it was determined that not enough progress has been made to move the hands back. According to scientists within the group, the reelection of Trump is not an indication that the world is stable.

Washington DC is still preparing for the inauguration, which will proceed despite the grim omen. One red-haired homeless man was even spotted walking around near the Capitol with a sign that reads "The End is Nigh."

Author and software engineer Richard Dunlapson has created an AI dictionary and predictive text tool that generates the racial slur that H.P. Lovecraft would have typed next.

Dunlapson said it wasn't hard--he merely fed it the personal correspondence that Lovecraft had with white supremacists and leadership of the Ku Klux Klan.

The project uses sophisticated language processing algorithms making it easier and faster to send your own hurtful and objectionable messages to family, friends, and co-workers.

The project uses sophisticated language processing algorithms to create offensive lines of text, making it easier and faster to send your own hurtful and objectionable messages to family, friends, and co-workers.

Dunlapson is even working on another AI generator called "Racist Cat Name Generator," a one-shot webpage people can use to generate derogatory and aggressive names for any cat when you want to be completely upfront with your bigotry even in the comfort of your own home.

"It's what Lovecraft would have wanted his legacy to be," said Dunlapson.