Wrestling Biographies, Turkish Delights, and a Don Quixote-Inspired Midlife Crisis
A Fake Literary Round-Up Like No Other
Our top story today is about men who have undergone a similar midlife crisis right out of the pages of Don Quixote.
But first, the Nobel Prize committee finally recognizes the “wrestler biography” genre and we investigate the ingredients of the White Witch’s turkish delight. Brace yourself, we found triticale.
Let’s do this damn thing.
Finally recognized...
Each year, the Nobel Prize in Literature is given to an author in the literary field who has produced “the most outstanding work in an ideal direction.”
Usually, the committee tries to select any writing deemed to have merit, virtue of form and style, or possess value. This year, however, the committee will also consider any wrestler's biography, especially ones within the "Attitude Era," as a potential for the award.
Rumors are already circulating that Mick Foley nee Mankind nee Cactus Jack nee Dude Love is this year's frontrunner, eclipsing other serious contenders like Can Xue, Margaret Atwood, or Salman Rushdie.
"I'm very honored," said Foley, right before taking a DDT on a table in a backyard brawl in Syosset. "I know Mr. Socko will be very proud that his life's work as a "warrior poet" could finally be recognized."
In her most devious act as "queen" of Narnia since the Long Winter, Jadis, the White Witch, has made her world famous Turkish Delights with and without gluten...it's up to Edmund Pevensie, who has a severe gluten allergy, to decide which is which.
While she was away for 900 years in the Wild Lands of the North, Jadis bid her time and gathered her forces for a large-scale attack on Narnia. She was also slaving away in the kitchen, concocting the most evil, wheat and barley-packed recipe for Turkish Delights.
Just one bite could quickly render her victim bloated and rash-ridden.
In an attempt to recompense for his past betrayal of his siblings, Edmund has agreed to eat all two pounds of the sugared sweet. Upon his deathbed, he will signal which tray gave him abdominal pain, headaches, and nonstop diarrhea.
Cool sports cars, fighting windmills, ladies-in-waiting...
Men who have had a recent midlife crisis say they struggled with their own mortality and ditched their normal, adult responsibilities in favor of acting like a knight errant.
The emotional turmoil they experienced led to major lifestyle changes that involved their brains getting warped and an endless pursuit unrequited love.
Yet many of these men agree that ultimately their crisis resulted in something positive, like feelings of chivalry, the urge to fight against injustice, or retiring to the countryside to become a shepherd.
And they got a small sidekick named Sancho, which is also nice.