Hello, readers.
I learned the other day that Jimmy Carter sent a recording into space in an attempt to contact aliens. It was a very polite letter from a Georgian, postmarked on June of 1977, and was sent on the Voyager.
It has become known as “The Golden Record.” Carter assumed the aliens are into the deeper, more lush sounds of vinyl than tape.
It reads as follows:
"This is a present from a small, distant world, a token of our sounds, our science, our images, our music, our thoughts and our feelings. We are attempting to survive our time so we may live into yours. We hope someday, having solved the problems we face, to join a community of galactic civilizations."
The message also acknowledges that humans are still divided into nation-states but are rapidly becoming a single global civilization. It further states that the 240 million inhabitants of Earth are among the more than 4 billion who inhabit the planet. The hope is that Earth can solve its problems and one day join a galactic community.
Simply amazing. I’m surprised the name ‘Galactic Community’ hasn’t been taken by some sort of hip-hop supergroup, with different rappers representing all of the country’s regions.
An interesting piece of trivia about this situation is that Jimmy Carter is only president to have reported to have seen a UFO. He saw one outside of a Lion’s Club meeting in 1969, two years before becoming Governor. It was one of those cool color-changing ones.
In Carter’s own words:
There were about twenty of us standing outside of a little restaurant, I believe, a high school lunch room, and a kind of green light appeared in the western sky. This was right after sundown. It got brighter and brighter. And then it eventually disappeared. It didn't have any solid substance to it, it was just a very peculiar-looking light. None of us could understand what it was.
All of a sudden, one of the men looked up and said, 'Look, over in the west!' And there was a bright light in the sky. We all saw it. And then the light, it got closer and closer to us. And then it stopped, I don't know how far away, but it stopped beyond the pine trees. And all of a sudden it changed color to blue, and then it changed to red, then back to white. And we were trying to figure out what in the world it could be, and then it receded into the distance.
The Skeptics Guide to the Universe did a podcast on this and you can listen here.
Also fun, his letter was the longest message sent into space by any earthling. I enjoy Carter’s idealism, and imagine him thinking this was truly an act of goodwill and peace.
Even more fun: his record is right alongside a copy of Chuck Berry’s “Johnny B. Goode.”
There would be no better person to write the first interstellar letter than Jimmy Carter, no better person to be our ambassador to space.
Imagine the aliens do actually receive the record. When they realize everything we gave them is analog, they have to fly to a Target to buy one of those Crosley turntables to listen to it.
Once they get through the bird sounds, the heartbeats, and “Johnny B. Goode,” they get to the Carter greeting.
They are so touched and moved by its contents that they fly to earth in the hopes of meeting President Carter.
Once their ship is outside the White House, Trump tries to come out and communicate with them, but his intonation and general demeanor is very hostile and they won’t do business with him. They know he is an orange buffoon and instead of continuing, it might just be easier to put us out of our misery.
They set their phasers to annihilate.
The only way they will communicate with us is if we “get Carter,” and the clock is ticking. They have a bunch of interstellar errands to run.
So instead of the real Carter, we have to dress up Dan Aykroyd, who played Carter during his presidency and became famous for his portrayal on SNL.
Luckily, Aykroyd is 72 years old, somewhat healthy, and given his own obsession with the paranormal, down to clown. He puts on the makeup and wig one last time.
He does well. Even though he doesn’t look like him or really sound like him, Aykroyd gives a performance of a lifetime. At times he slips and says a few quotes from Coneheads, but luckily the aliens aren’t caught up on 90’s movies, I guess.
They discuss any number of things at first, from music and sounds to animals and science. When the conversation gets to our joining the galactic community, things get a little more serious. The aliens speak in grave, hushed tones and only Aykroyd can now understand what they are saying. They now speak in Remulakian, the language of Beldar and his family in Coneheads.
So they have seen it!
Even though we tried to pull a fast one on them, they appreciate the gesture. It’s too bad that the real Carter wasn’t there and all, they said. Perhaps it could’ve worked if we currently had a president who also promoted human rights, continued diplomatic relations with other countries (that don’t bribe him), and had an outstanding foreign policy record.
They shake hands with Aykroyd and thank him for getting the Ghostbusters franchise back on track.
After, they leave, Aykroyd never tells us what they said to him in Remulakian, but it isn’t good. He calls Donna Dixon to tell her he still loves her.
Fade to black.
Yes, the real President Carter is dead, but his words are still travel 38,000 miles an hour in the hopes of reaching some unknown, alien civilization. It will continue its silent journey indefinitely, unless they encounter an obstacle or another civilization.
I hope his words never reach a single ear.
Not because I’m afraid of aliens (well, I am. I watched Fire in the Sky when I was ten years old…the aliens in that are fucked), but because I would not want the message to finally reach them and have them come visit the America we currently live in.
If they really received our message, they would touch down, see what a mess we are in, and promptly leave thinking they got Carter’s coordinates wrong. They thought they were going to find a country who is part of a “global civilization,” perhaps one that they could also be a part of, but all they would find is war, greed, and tons and tons of problems.
We are not ready to join a galactic community.