What the Hell is Going on with The Winds of Winter?
We Sent the Guy from 'The Dead Zone' to Find Out
Good morning, readers.
Our top story today has us sending Johnny Smith from ‘The Dead Zone’ over to George R. R. Martin’s house to find out if the author is “hard at work” or “hardly working.” He’s got to be doing something in between eating pizza rolls and shopping for cool little hats.
Also, we give advice to a woman who has a “strange addiction” to Chicken Soup for the Soul books. Hopefully we can help wean her off that nasty habit and get her reading porn or something.
And finally, another monolith has shown up again, this time in a Melville novel. A big, veiny, pulsing monolith, just bulging in the middle of Moby Dick. Hmmmm…..
Read on, read on…
Dear TheMotherFaulkner:
Twenty years ago, I got my first 'Chicken Soup for the Soul Book.' The stories were so "feel-good," the only way I could feel good was to keep buying the book series. Turns out, I'm addicted to catharsis.
No matter how many of the books I bought, I could never achieve the first-time high of my original read. Now, my apartment is filled with the entire series and my landlord is trying to evict me. Goodwill refuses to take anymore book donations from me as their shelves are already filled with spin-offs and compilations.
Things are pretty low right now; my favorites, 'Chicken Soup for the Horse Lover's Soul' and 'Chicken Soup for the Network Marketer's Soul,' can't even fill the dark void inside of me. What should I do?--CATHARSIS ADDICT IN ARKANSAS
Dear CATHARSIS ADDICT:
Have you ever read 'Hockey Smut'? You're welcome.
A reader in Suffolk County, NY came across a new, mysterious metal monolith as he was reading a Herman Melville novel.
"I was just about to get to the final showdown with the legendary white whale, but the next thing I know, a monolith just began bulging out of the book," said Huntington resident James Curtin.
Yeah, that checks out actually.
The monolith is a smaller version of the monolith found recently in Nevada, which are about 10 to 12 feet tall. The Melville monolith is about 9 to 12 inches (depending on the temperature), and was somehow discreetly hidden within the pages of the book.
"I guess I'll just try to read around it," Curtin said awkwardly. “But this is the least subtle Melville has ever been.”
“It's not looking good," the psychic reports.
Johnny Smith, the man who can inexplicably predict the future after waking up from a coma, has been asked by fans to investigate George R. R. Martin after yet another delay in his long-awaited Game of Thrones follow up, The Winds of Winter.
To gain access to Martin's life to see what the hell he's been up to, Smith posed as a Omaha Steaks salesman and visited the 'Song of Fire and Ice' author at his Bayonne home. Once he got Martin to sign up for a yearly subscription to the "The Butcher Deluxe Feast," Smith was able to shake hands with him and gain access to the "Dead Zone."
From there, Smith describes his stark experience shadowing Martin, watching the author read comic books, play with his dolls, and eat a special trail mix created by the author himself of Cheetos and mini Oreos.
"When he did actually write, it was very disappointing,” a shivering Smith reported. “It looked like he was going to reveal that King's Landing had been built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground."