Each year, state and local libraries are reminded to send out pamphlets and educational literature to their librarians warning them of the sudden, arousing side effects of the Dewey Decimal Classification system.
The fear is that the DDC itself might turn whole libraries into goddam sexy librarian orgies!
And the fear is not without good reason.
What is it about classification and notation that sends librarians into these frenzies, from polite, respectable members of their communities into full-blown sex-crazed maniacs?
At least 35% of all reporting libraries in the United States had at least one incident of sexual nature occur inside their library during business hours as a result of Melvil Dewey and his demented knowledge organization tool.
Last year, over 145 libraries in New York alone reported that their new librarians could not control their baser desires and animal instincts while learning about the principals and structures of the DDC.
Elsewhere in Michigan, a small-town library in Frankenmuth divulged that their job fair for hiring two new shelving clerks turned into a scene out of something from 120 Days of Sodom.
And just last week, an entire library branch in Palmdale, CA had to close its doors for good once a librarian responsible for their WebDewey account turned a silent-study room into her own personal masturbation den after assigning hundreds of new titles the three summaries.
What is it about classification and notation that sends librarians into these frenzies, from polite, respectable members of their communities into full-blown sex-crazed maniacs?
Some say there’s dark, sexual magic in numbers being used as symbols which represent classes; certain combinations might unlock some primal urge inside of the user.
The Committee for Research in Problems in Sex, formed by The National Research Council, found in a small-group experiment that the combination of the three-digit numbers for main classes and then subsequent fractional decimals allowing for expansion, “unlocks something so compulsive and hypersexual in the librarian’s mind that an immediate and extremely intense act of gratification is the only recourse.”
Others say it’s strictly just a bunch of perverts getting off organizing things within a structural hierarchy.
Whatever it might be, experts warn that all 138 countries currently using the DDC are at risk each time they apply and share Dewey numbers. Countries who have translated the DDC into the most sexy languages, like French and Swedish, are even more at risk.
Also, things start to get really crazy in the pants when a subject matter might appear in more than one class. Take for instance the term “clothing” which has aspects that fall under several disciplines. Customs associated with clothing belong in 391 as part of the discipline of customs, yet “clothing” in the sense of fashion design belongs in 746.92 as part of the arts. Who needs aphrodisiacs when you’ve got disciplines?
But at The Library of Congress, the head of bibliographic agency, where classification specialist-sadists annually assign over 60,000 DDC numbers to national records and works, mum’s the word. The Dewey Editorial office will not comment on the situation because either they fear what the fallout from a review and recommended action might be or because they are too busy touching themselves and fiddling each other’s privates.
Many experts who are looking into these strange occurrences might offer relief in perhaps the most overlooked aspect of Dewey: the decimal point. These “dots” are not points in a mathematical sense, but a “psychological pause” to break the monotony of numerical digits and to ease the transcription and copying of a class number. They hope if more decimal points are introduced, users will be less excitable and more stable while classifying while using the DDC.
For more information on this phenomena, you can go to your public library and look for more information under 001.94 Mysteries….oh…..mmmm….oooh oh oh yes yes…..oh God, gotta go.