Every March 6th, groups of Humanists rush to the gravesite of late-Objectivist author, Ayn Rand, just to make sure the heretical author is indeed still 6 feet below.
Phewww….
Yes, Rand’s grave at the Kensico Cemetery in Valhalla, NY is still intact and we can only assume she is still a skeleton, her cold, dead hands gripping whatever material goods her family could spare to bury her with.
When they realized that yes, ding-dong the witch is still dead, they began their full day’s itinerary of prosocial activities, chock full of cooperation, goodwill, and solicitude.
March 6th has been deemed a “Humanist Holiday.”
It was on this day in 1982 that The Virtue of Selfishness author succumbed to her long battle with lung cancer, ultimately passing away from heart failure, penniless and on welfare. Yes, you read that right.
Whoa whoa whoa…wait, she had a heart? We just assumed there was just a tiny, self-determined Industrial Revolution-era steam engine in there.
Whatever was powering her little hate-machine, Rand made a career out of establishing a philosophy that “unfettered self-interest is good,” a concept pirated by Libertarians and other conservative interest groups.
In each book she wrote, she would shoe-horn her half-baked ideas about capitalism and individualism, most of her ideas just ripped and rebranded from other thinkers and philosophers. As a philosopher herself, she was never taken seriously, and her status now resides somewhere between firebrand cult fiction author and folk hero for non-academics.
In a direct flouting of her teachings, Humanists will spend the entire day aspiring to the greater good, performing compassionate acts that affirm the dignity of each person on earth.
In a direct flouting of her teachings, Humanists will spend the entire day aspiring to the greater good, performing compassionate acts that affirm the dignity of each person on earth.
Yes, on March 6th, you might see a Humanist stand up for human rights and social justice. Despite being infected by the disease of collectivism (where an entire group has priority over each individual in it) they will gladly take part in ethical and humane acts that promote well-being and altruism.
You know, things that make Objectivists shudder.
In fact, while prancing around her grave, one of the Humanist Holiday observers hurt her ankle. In the spirit of solidarity, all observers stopped and made sure that the woman was okay. A few people even helped comfort her or charitably propped up her ankle while another one gave her a merciful “on-field tape job” that would have made a sports physio smile.
To twist the knife even more, the group then joined hands and made sure each member of the group could celebrate in an equitable way, providing reassuring words of warmth to one another making everyone in the group feel included. When it came time for lunch, those who forgot to bring something to eat were given a bunch of snacks and water bottles by those who had accidentally brought more than they could consume.
These acts of selfless, common decency would have killed the late author, the group cheerfully agreed. And as if to spit on her grave, each Humanist shared a personal desire, feeling, or idea to create a sense of empathy among each other.
Rand was probably spinning in her grave by this point, if the bankrupt author could even afford one. Remember, Medicare covers neither funeral expenses or the cost of burial.
Before they left, each Humanist put a stone on her grave, a superstitious yet symbolic gesture to recognize Rand’s Jewish ancestry.
However, in one last act of spite, each group member made sure that all of their rocks looked and weighed the same, and that one wasn’t any more remarkable than the other.