The Hungry Caterpillar, Miss Havisham, and the One Problem with Dewey
Fake Lit News You Need to Know
Hello, folks. We have a lot to report on today. In our top story writers uncover that the Dewey Decimal system is what is making librarians extremely horny.
Also, we found out what really happened to the Hungry Caterpillar and Miss Havisham tops our list for all-time feminist.
Let’s start it up (we won’t ever stop).
A special place has been reserved in hell for the Caterpillar after a life spent in a pursuit of worldly pleasures.
Dante spotted The Hungry Caterpillar in the 3rd Circle of Hell lying in his own vile slush. The slush of course, is due to the Caterpillar's lust, selfishness, and overindulgence.
Dante spoke briefly to the Caterpillar who warned him about living a scornful life, and railed against being happy in one's own greed. gluttony, and consumption.
The Caterpillar couldn't heed his advice over the sound of his own chewing. On he writhes, then.
Girl boss vibes.
Famous feminists throughout history have helped to bring women's fight for equality to the forefront of society's consciousness in a variety of ways.
Sure Mary Wollstonecraft and Gloria Steinem were important to the movement, but has there been a more important feminist icon than the jilted bride, Miss Havisham?
After being betrayed by the man she was supposed to marry, Miss Havisham rejects society and carves out her own little world in her own mansion, free of time and proper hygiene, and regains both control of her life and her self-image. Slay, queen.
To wreak revenge on men, she buys a child and trains it to become a beautiful weapon to make men fall in love with only to break their hearts. Talk about "empowerment," ladies.
Sure, by the end of the novel Great Expectations she regrets her actions and throws herself into an open, lit fireplace, but it was a fire that she was able to build herself without some asshole guy trying to mansplain how to open the flue or layer the kindling.
Relative location and index....mmmmmmmm.
Each year, state and local libraries are reminded to send out pamphlets and literature to their librarians warning them of the arousing side effects of the Dewey Decimal Classification system. The fear is that sudden arousal may turn the whole library into a goddamn sexy librarian orgy!
And the fear is not without good reason. Last year, over 145 libraries in New York reported that their new librarians could not control their desires while shelving books within the stacks. At least 35% of all libraries in the US had at least one incident of a sexual nature occur inside their library during business hours.
The Committee for Research in Problems in Sex, a group formed by The National Research Council, found that the combination of the three-digit numbers for main classes and then subsequent fractional decimals allowing for detail expansion "unlocks something so sexually primal in the librarian's mind that an immediate act of gratification is the only recourse."
In a smaller subsect of librarians, the Dewey Decimal system has been reported to cause depression, nausea, stomach pain, or vomiting.