Surprise! F. Scott Fitzgerald Destroys Hemingway in Dick-Measuring Contest
Hemingway Shook After Literal Demonstration
You all know the legendary tale.
After a nasty, drag-out fight with his wife, F. Scott Fitzgerald confided in his friend Ernest Hemingway that Zelda insulted his manhood and he was now feeling inadequate.
Always the consummate friend, Hemingway took Fitzgerald into the bathroom at the Parisian cafe they were luncheoning at so he could get a good look at the goods.
After a thorough inspection, Dr. Hemingway told his emasculated pal “that he was fine.”
When Fitzgerald asked to see Hemingway’s just to be sure, Papa brushed him off and told him that “he had nothing to worry about.”
Such is the story (more or less) as written in Hemingway’s A Moveable Feast.
What Hemingway did not include in his little anecdote was how the moment made him feel now that his original fears were now confirmed: Hemingway had the micro dick!
What Hemingway did not include in his little anecdote was how the moment made him feel now that his original fears were now confirmed: Hemingway had the micro dick!
Aw man!
Hemingway’s consolation efforts had the reverse effect, and now Hemingway is the one moping around about the tale of the tape!
Sure, he was just trying to be a good friend, but he didn’t think the skinny, wimpy little Fitzgerald’s Gatsby was so great. He didn’t think he had it in him (or on him), as it were. Damn! It was beautiful!
Well, that backfired.
Ever since the publication of 1926’s The Sun Also Rises, readers have suspected that parts of that book were semi-autobiographical: a man with a war-injury to his lower-half being unable to sexually please the woman he loves. So the lack of a “love gun” is not just a commentary on the disillusionment and angst men felt after the first World War. It is just actually about Jake’s literal weak game down below!
After their little locker room pep-talk, Fitzgerald and Hemingway’s friendship was never the same. While Hemingway didn’t say it, something was different now between them.
How could it, now that Hemingway knew that Fitzy was the “have” and Hemingway was the “have not!”
On one hand, Fitzgerald felt great! Armed now with the knowledge that he had “the right tool for the job,” he began to hammer away on Tender is the Night, one of his most memorable works. Assuming their friendship was still what it used to be, Fitzgerald took an early draft of Tender to Hemingway to get his opinion.
But if he couldn’t beat him in the pants, he could beat him on paper! So, Hemingway tore the novel apart.
Fitzgerald was crushed, but he took his manuscript back and worked on it some more. He valued Hemingway’s honesty, remember? So if his wang was fine according to Hemingway, then the novel must not be. Thanking his candid and blunt friend, he went back to the writing table!
As for Hemingway, he was never the same.
After the incident he went on to publish his least successful novel, Across the River and Into the Trees. After that book was shredded by critics and readers, he also began working on another novel (which became 1970’s posthumous Islands in the Stream).
Unfortunately, Hemingway could never become the man he once was. Sure he was able to publish a bunch of short stories and work on his memoir (A Moveable Feast, another posthumous publication) but the damage to Hemingway’s psyche was already done.
Feeling like he was living in the shadow of Fitzgerald’s monster dong, he began working on the phallic-filled novella about taming the beast, The Old Man and the Sea.
The rest is history.
No longer hiding behind the hypermasculine subject matter of boxing, bull-fighting, and bullets, Hemingway finally embraced his small penis and wrote openly about his dick-deficiency in Old Man. For his honest efforts and open vulnerability, Hemingway was given the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1954.
Sure, Fitzgerald might have won the dick-measuring battle, but now with his award, Hemingway could rest knowing he won the dick-measuring war.