OceanGate Will Now Require a Copy of Submersibles for Dummies on All Future Vessels
Same Mistakes Won't Be Made, Says Spokesperson
Right after making the announcement Thursday that their craft imploded and all five passengers on the Titan are probably dead, OceanGate Expeditions will now require a copy of Submersibles for Dummies on all subsequent voyages,
The decision is part of OceanGate's new safety measures after dozens of stories ran this week criticizing the company after the Titan went missing. Several reports criticize their inspection routines and refusal to get proper certification from a third-party classifier group.
The publishing company was surprised to find that OceanGate did not previously consult the book before taking off on its most recent voyage to view the Titanic. Apparently, there is an entire chapter dedicated to "what to do in an emergency situation when testing fate."
In 2018, the peer-review group Marine Technology Society sent a letter to founder and CEO Stockton Rush expressing their widespread concern.
An insider claims part of that letter extensively referenced parts of Submersibles for Dummies which they claimed was the industry-leading publication on design and fabrication for homemade submarines.
"Our apprehension is that the current experimental approach and lack of consultation of the “For Dummies” book will lead to negative outcomes that would have serious consequences," read the letter.
John Wiley and Sons, Inc. the company who publishes the For Dummies series, reported that zero copies of their book Submersibles for Dummies were ever sold before this week. They admitted that they weren't entirely sure there was a market for this type of book with such dangerous and specific content.
While Wiley and Sons admit skimming the chapter on "Catastrophic Implosions" would not have helped in this particular situation, they said it couldn't have hurt to know what all the possible outcomes of such a voyage were.
The publishing company was surprised to find that OceanGate did not previously consult or skim the book before taking off on its most recent voyage to view the Titanic. Apparently, there is an entire chapter dedicated to "what to do in an emergency situation when testing fate."
They learned that all 25 published copies of the book were recently purchased by the recently disgraced high-end tourism company based out of Everett, Washington. They have also placed an order for a few copies of the almost forgotten titles Public Relations for Dummies and Civil Lawsuits for Dummies, as well.
A spokesperson for the expedition company admits there were missteps and catastrophic mistakes were made. Apparently when designing the Titan craft, the company only referenced the inferior knock-off The Complete Idiot's Guide to Submarines.
"We are willing to take full responsibility for this tragedy," said the spokesperson. "We assure our future customers that our submariners will undergo extensive safety training and be well-read on the entire For Dummies book before they plumb the deepest, darketst, and most dangerous regions of the ocean."
In hindsight, the spokesperson admitted that asking "Mission Specialists" (those willing to cough up the $250,000 necessary to be called that) should not be allowed to "opt-in" for any major role during the expedition unless they have consulted the Submersibles for Dummies book, especially the sections on use of sonar or adjusting planes and rudders.
Emergency copies of the book will be furnished aboard all subsequent crafts and have already been added to the safety kits of their remaining crafts, the Antipodes and the Cyclops 1. Extra batteries for all modified Logitech game controllers will also be a requirement on all OceanGate vessels.
Now that the public is aware of their new safety measures, OceanGate does not foresee losses or predict a downtick in interest for their Titanic Expedition. They have even updated their mandatory safety briefing for all "Mission Specialists" to include excerpts from the For Dummies book.
Crews are not exempt either. All employees aboard the support vessel and the dive craft must also read the chapters "Are Homemade Subs For You?" and "Servicing Your Submersible."
John Wiley and Sons, Inc said they are happy to now be included and part of the OceanGate family, but are in no way liable for any future disaster or tragedy that might occur within one of these jerry-built underwater vessels.
“And please please please understand that having a lot of money or reading this book does not make you an expert,” the publishing company added.