Those looking to lose weight quickly, keep it off, and live a long, healthy lifestyle are looking no further than the new Vonnegut diet, which combines the power of caffeine and nicotine!
Listen: the secret to good health may be nothing more than a pot of black coffee and a few packs of smokes.
"There's a lot of fad diets and a lot of confusion about eating healthy," said Dr. Gajest Rupta, a cardiologist at Community Hospital East in Indianapolis. "But the thing that has been steady the last 40 years or so has been the chlorogenic acids of black coffee and the ability to reduce body weight with cigarette smoking."
Vonnegut lived well into his eighties and looked rail-thin fabulous while doing it.
"Put them together and you have what specialists are now calling the Vonnegut Diet."
The diet is characterized by a pot of black coffee throughout the day, along with a cigarette every half an hour or so. Dieters are also allowed to nibble cold toast, eat a piece of cake at birthday parties, and even treat themselves to a scotch and water every night.
There is no denying the results. Take the man himself: the author and black humorist had been chain-smoking since he was eleven and fueling his all-night writing sessions with pots of Maxwell House. Vonnegut lived well into his eighties and looked rail-thin fabulous while doing it.
Kurt even lived so long in good physical health that he even told people he was suing Pall Mall's parent company Brown & Williamson "for a billion bucks" because he had lived well past his expiration date despite dedicating himself to their "cancer sticks."
Gajest is stumped at the results."There must be some sort of magic, where the cigarette smoke and the coffee meet and essentially create a fountain of youth within the user," said the cardiologist.
"We all know coffee is one of nature's best health foods," said Gajest, hammering a cold brew and smoking a Parliament. "It's liquid gold. And as for the cigarette, let's just call it the secret ingredient."
Other cardiologists are not so enthusiastic. We spoke to several other doctors who maintain that too much caffeine can raise levels of LDL (bad cholesterol), spike blood pressure, and create anxiety.
"And as for the cigarettes," huffed Dr. Edward Fry, a cardiologist at Ascension Medical Group,"there's no secret that they are one of the leading causes of stroke, heart disease, and lung cancers."
"I can't believe we are even having this discussion," said Dr. Fry, hanging up on us.
Those most dedicated to the new fad diet are excited about the results. Most have never looked or felt better.
"I rarely sleep now, so I'm constantly burning calories pacing my apartment," said one dedicated user.
Another enthusiastic dieter said "there's no time for cravings anymore because the cigarette constantly curbs my appetite."
Another added, “My abs are crazy from the constant coughing,” as he showed us his six-pack.
Of course, the Vonnegut diet is not for everyone. Some users complained of side effects including depression, dizziness and lightheadedness, and a generally snarky attitude in regards to religion and those in political power.