Picture it: you're sitting in a one-room observation area, drink in hand, without a care in the world. And in fact, you do have all the time in the world, especially when you realize that time is circular, where the past, present, and future exist simultaneously.
Ahhhhh!
Although with so many options spread across the galaxy, it can be hard to choose the perfect spot for your next holiday.
Who needs an ayahuasca retreat when you've got interdimensional time travel!
Get naked, kick up your feet and try to ignore the plunger-shaped green aliens staring at you hoping to see you fornicate with your mate. This is paradise!
Of course, we are talking about the ultimate stress-free vacation, a vacation that can only take place in an all-inclusive resort on Tralfamadore!
Where is Tralfamadore, you ask? It is a celestial body billions of light years from earth that can only be accessed by becoming abducted. Wow, talk about exclusive!
This private, upscale experience will allow you to experience reality in four dimensions and will let you see along the timeline of the universe!
Since there is no system of cause and effect, you and any of your guests will be able to pretty much do whatever within your geodesic dome, so leave your guilt at the door and have at it. Tralfamadorians are not alarmed by murder or other acts of violence by Earthlings... so it goes!
However, you will be subjected to random flashbacks and flashforwards to moments in your life--moments you have both lived, and not yet lived.
Who needs an ayahuasca retreat when you've got interdimensional time travel!
So at any moment you can be whooshed in a time warp to your childhood when you and your family visited the Grand Canyon, or whooshed in the future to the moment of your death. There's nothing you can do to prevent it, your death is structured this way, but isn't it nice to know how you'll go?
In between the sex and on your down time in the current moment, you will be required to do some menial tasks: eat, wash the dishes, clip your toenails, and shave. This of course is being done as a tour guide lectures telepathically to a crowd of Tralfamadorians. Don't think of it as a zoo, but more of being part of an educational experience you'll barely notice!
And don't worry, you won't be under a microscope all the time. When not under observation, you'll be given plenty of reading material on the history of Tralfamadore. Yes, you will be unable to read the alien language, but you will learn to read the short burst of images like a real Tralfamadorian--there is no start, middle, or end.
And if you were wondering, yes, this vacation isn't really a vacation at all. In fact, you will learn pretty quickly that there is no life or death, and everyone just keeps reliving events from their life over and over and over...
But if you book now, you will be able to upgrade free of charge to the VIP package, where you can select one celebrity of your choosing to join you. So choose wisely; they will technically be a prisoner, but you can have sex with them if they consent. One previous guest was even joined by adult film star Montana Wildhack!
If you haven't picked up on it, Tralfamadorians are big on the nakedness and sex thing. You really have to have a lot of sex with someone for this to all work, okay. So make sure you bring plenty of lube and assistive pornographic materials.
May we recommend a trashy novel from Kilgore Trout or one of Wildhack's more popular porno movies?