Melville Reveals the Hidden Meaning Behind 'Moby Dick'
Plus, "The American Crisis" Reboot and Two Librarians Getting Sexy in the Stacks
Hello, reader.
I’m a sucker for clickbait articles on these trashy websites, posing as actual news articles. You know you’ve accidentally clicked on one when you immediately get a spammy pop-up ad for cybersecurity companies, cars for sale in your area, or companies trying to get your business “ad certified.”
One of the hallmarks of an article like this is having to “start a slideshow” in order to read on. One of the best articles that I clicked on (purposefully) was an article titled “The Wealthiest Person in Every State in America” on the website Spilleddaily. I didn’t think I was even going to find the actual website if I Googled it, but holy shit, I was actually able to find it and be able to link it here.
The website looks like it was designed by a high school student for a class project.
Not sure who pays to keep this website going or who actually writes these articles (most are written by a guy named Staff Writer—cool name), but I had to hand it to the former and the latter for doing their thing and trying to become a hub for “the biggest stories in celebrity and entertainment news and gossip.” You would think that means you would see articles about Kanye, Miley, and Taylor Swift, but nah, the first article on their website is titled “Avoid Traveling By Air If Possible During the Holiday Season.” And if you want to go for it, you can read it here.
But I’m getting off track. I need to talk about their genius article about Wealthy People by State (which I was unable to find on their website, so I can’t link it. You’ll have to continue reading by recap here).
So when you click into the slideshow, I was glad to actually be able to see the first Wealthy Person and not a pop-up ad for laser surgery or something. Apparently, Alabama’s richest person is a guy named Jimmy Rane, and he is the CEO of Great Southern Wood Preserving, which makes lumber products like desks and fences and shit. Apparently, he goes by “Yella Fella,” and does a bunch of local tv commercials for his company (can anyone in Alabama confirm?) But hey, don’t knock this guy’s hustle, because apparently he is worth $900 million dollars. Fuck me, his wood must be good.
Now a problem with any of these articles is finding the Next Slide button. I had to hunt for it between one ad for a truck driving school and another for Lenox Jewelers.
Moving on, somehow two dudes in Alaska are tied for being the richest—Leonard Hyde and Jonathan Rubin are real estate moguls. I doubt they are officially tied, like one of the dude’s probably has half of his money tied up in an industrial salmon farm or something, but both are worth around $300 million each.
So I won’t bore you with every random white dude who shows up on this list, but just know that there is someone who lives in your state who you’ve never heard of who has amassed a fortune big enough to pull every resident above the poverty line.
I kept clicking through the slideshow (I assume every click means ad revenue for this website, so you’re welcome Spilleddaily) until I got to a non-white guy. Spoiler, there are no people of color on this list.
I finally clicked to Kentucky and was greeted by the face of Tamara Gustavson, a woman who is the largest shareholder of Public Storage, but sadly as I read on, I noticed that she was in business with her father who left her his fortune when he died. Fuck you, poser. Moving on.
Next, Gayle Benson (Louisiana) who is the owner of the New Orleans Saints and the New Orleans Pelicans. Also, Massachusetts’ Abigail Johnson, CEO of Fidelity Investment. Again, only rich because their husbands and fathers died and left them fortunes. Doesn’t count, ladies.
I think you can see where this is trending. While not realizing it, this article demonstrates that the 1% is white-male dominated (no shocker there) but that these millionaires have incomes that are many, many times higher than the richest person you think you know.
Women only have money if it was gifted or they inherited it, minorities aren’t anywhere near the map (I was pulling for Beyoncé to show up but now way she’s beating out Zuck in California). Even states with large ethnic majorities—North Dakota, New Mexico—are owned by white guys who transplanted into their state.
Fun fact, to be included in the 1%, you would have to have a steady income of $787, 712 so your dreams of ever winding up on this list are slim to none, especially if you are a woman or person of color. While women hold a large portion of the nation’s wealth (much of it intergenerational), minorities only own under 5% of our nation’s wealth.
Startlingly, the “1%” owns almost 25% of the entire nation’s wealth while the entire middle class only holds a mere 8%.
Now I’m not advocating for us to “Bane out” and eat the rich, but a “Warren Buffett buffet” sounds pretty good right now.
Anyways…
Our top story concerns Melville’s true intention to title his book Moby Dick and honestly, it’s the ultimate troll.
Also, two librarians at Winfield Public Library are definitely fucking and Thomas Paine just going to leave “The American Crisis” right here.
These are DEFINITELY the times that try men’s souls…
Founding Father and political philosopher Thomas Paine thinks America might need a reminder that his essay collection "The American Crisis" is as timely and important as the first time it was published in 1776 as a way to bolster morale and renew hope when all seemed lost.
Paine just going to leave a copy of it right here for all Americans after Trump revealed his latest bonkers Cabinet picks. These are the times that try men's souls, indeed.
Yes, the first time it was published, its audience might have been Colonist soldiers who had just suffered some devastating military losses at the hands of the British. But the idea of "the American spirit" and its intention to become a "rallying cry" for desperate Americans might still ring true today.
Remember, one of the most enduring themes from the essay concern "conquering tyranny" and freeing the American people from "the care of devils."
Yep. He's just gonna leave this right here for you for the next four years.
Ummm….
Staff members at the Winfield Public Library in Winfield, Illinois have confirmed their suspicions that Janice, the Head Librarian, and Kurtis, the new shelving clerk, are banging.
There is no real proof, but c'mon, it's so obvious. When asked to elaborate as to how they might know for sure, coworkers confirm that the signs are all there.
In one instance, Janice had Kurtis accompany her to the rare manuscripts room to help her "tidy it up." Another day, Janice needed help moving a box of book donations, and that bootlicker Kurtis jumped right up before anyone else could volunteer. Finally, Kurtis brought some soup for Janice and she just "had to have the recipe."
Get a damn room, you two.
Thought so...
In a startling new biography, Melville scholar Ron Janssen discovered that Melville had one intention and one intention only when he named his novel Moby Dick. In looking through the author's private letters to the poet Sarah Morewood, he discovered the author confessing to the original inspiration for the title.
"I thought it would be funny for students every time they heard it, but really funny every time they would have to say it in class," he wrote.
"I mean think about it," he continued. "With all your friends looking at you, and the teacher watching to make sure you didn't crack a smile while saying it...hilarious."
Janssen discovered Morewood's letter back to Melville, asking about the ultimate symbolism of the whale.
"It symbolizes a dick," he curtly replied.