Man Lies About His TBR Size
Plus Tolstoy Smut and the Cocaine-Friendly Tommyknockers
Hello, dear reader.
I hope you’ve enjoyed the debate, but more importantly the memes that were born from it. As always, the internet remains undefeated.
By now you’ve probably learned all you need to know about pet-eating and transgender surgeries on illegal aliens. What a time to be alive.
Just when you think things can’t get any worse, I’ve got a news roundup about a softcore porn version of War and Peace and a story about how doing coke off of Stephen King’s The Tommyknockers is the only true way to enjoy the book.
But our top story involves a man who lies about the size of his TBR-pile, but don’t worry— he’s not fooling anybody.
As someone once said, “History is going somewhere, might as well start here.” Yes, the person was a lunatic, but it is still a nice quote.
Enjoy.
Best softcore adaptation out there.
Representatives from the Tolstoy Estate and Museum have officially named Romero Jones' softcore porn movie “War and Piece” as essential viewing for diehard fans of the late Russian author's 1867 masterwork, War and Peace.
Curators of the Yasnaya Polyana have called it "the one and only adaptation" and regularly hold viewings of smut film on the main lawn of the author's old estate in Tula.
"Honestly," said one Tolstoy historian, "this is the way that Tolstoy himself should have and would have told the story if video, not literature, was his chosen medium."
One of the seminal moments of Jones' “War and Piece” is when Pierre and Andrei have a very classy threeway with Natasha before Andrei dies. After sex, and only after sex, can the people of Russia begin to rebuild Moscow.
All it's good for, really.
After reading just a few chapters of Stephen King's terrible 1987 science fiction novel The Tommyknockers, the man decided to quit reading the book and just do coke off of it.
"I feel like that was always King's true intention for it," said the man.
While the book is often chalked up to being one of King's worst books from one of the darkest periods of the author's life, it does have some positive aspects. Take for instance, the perfect plane the book makes when laid down flat.
"The plot actually somehow all makes sense now," the man snorted.
It's huge, ladies. I promise.
During an icebreaker with his new classmates in his Intro to American Lit class, college freshman Irv Benson bragged about the size of his pile by holding up his hands "yay big."
Some of the girls seemed very impressed, but a few of the guys didn't believe it could be so stacked.
"Wow, you must really be gifted," said one classmate.
"I don't like to brag, but I can usually crush one or two a week," he answered. "Just this past week I ran thru one of the Brontës."
In all truth, his "to be read" pile consists of a used school bookstore copy of On The Road which he'll never read and a few hentai graphic novels.