Lizzie Bennet Considers White Guy in Pimp Costume Another Possible Suitor
Well, At Least He Seems Well-Off
A fifth suitor has entered the mix in Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, causing quite a stir in the Bennet household. One "Mr. J-Money" might just be the most eligible of all the bachelors, according to Mrs. Bennet.
"His name is J-Money!" she tells her daughters in hushed tones out of earshot of Mr. Bennet. "And look how dignified he looks with that cane!"
Might J-Money be the one?
It is true that Mr. Money is quite dashing, and of course, Lydia and Kitty are certainly quite smitten with his swagger. Even Mary looked up from her book long enough to try and steal a glance at those sweet abs. However, Lizzie isn't completely sold just yet.
But Lizzie must admit, among the other possible suitors left over (now that Bingley has proposed to Jane), he’s not that terrible. She hates Mr. Darcy, thinks Wickham is arrogant, and can't stand the sight of Collins. Might J-Money be the one?
There's only one way to tell--she'll have to dance with him at the Netherfield ball. After a passionless and tension-filled dance with Darcy, Lizzie got to see Money perform his best moves--the Cabbage Patch, the Roger Rabbit, and some frenzied version of Hammer Time-- she must say, the guy can move.
She considers the possibility of love, but doesn't know really anything about him other than his penchant for fashion and that he oozes sex appeal. But is he a suitable husband?
She must talk to Charlotte Lucas, her friend since childhood and newly wedded wife of Mr. Collins. Wow, these guys are really getting boo'd up quickly!
"Do it Lizzie," said the bored and frustrated Charlotte. "Money is obviously great in bed and I'm sure he would provide and care for you."
With a vote of confidence from her best friend, Lizzie returns to Longbourn seriously considering marrying J-Money. The prospect seems even more enticing when she learns that Wickham is now off the table, having eloped with Lydia.
So now she's left with two choices--Darcy or Money.
Where Darcy is proud and quick to judge, Money considers himself unaffected and down to earth. Darcy is elitist and can hold a grudge, but Money will party with anyone (especially if they are "holding"). As Darcy can be a condescending prick, Money gives no fucks.
After a long, introspective walk around the garden, Lizzie realizes she will learn to love Money and accept his hand in marriage. Problem is, Money has also been creeping with Miss Caroline Bingley and been tapping that ass.
Crestfallen and defeated, Lizzie reluctantly marries Darcy, her life filled with boredom and thoughts of what could have been.