Kenneth Branagh Always Looking for Next British Author's Coattail to Ride
"But I've got my own ideas, too," the actor claims.
Sir Kenneth Branagh is always looking for great source material to adapt to the screen, and hopefully, bite enough from some of the greatest authors of all time to make his own movies somewhat watchable.
If attempting to film every single Shakespeare play wasn't audacious enough, remember Branagh tried to also adapt Mary Shelley's Frankenstein in 1994. The film was widely panned as a terrible knock off of its source novel, despite Branagh's Victor Frankenstein finding an excuse to show off his abs in every scene.
Who knew mad scientists never missed a core workout? Branagh does.
Then there was the disastrous Disney adaptation of Eoin Colfer's Artemis Fowl. Disney is still trying to wipe that trailer with the annoying voiceover from our memories and recover the millions they lost in merchandising and toys.
More recently, Branagh has been running "his own Orient Express" on Dame Agatha Christie's novels; Murder on the Orient Express (2017) and Death on the Nile (2022), respectively. We hear (and shudder) that Branagh is also working on a third film where he plays Hercule Poirot, 2023's A Haunting in Venice.
So, of his sixteen directorial efforts, only four--Dead Again (1991), Peter's Friends (1992), A Midwinter's Tale (1995), and Belfast (2021)--were not based on preexisting material. And to be honest, A Midwinter's Tale has a lot of scenes from Shakespeare's Hamlet in it, so let's say 3.5.
Therefore, 78% of his oeuvre is borrowed from others.
We were able to contact Branagh's representatives and schedule an interview where we could get his opinion on his career. No doubt Branagh took the interview thinking another small independent magazine wanted to congratulate him on his bravery for growing such a daring moustache as Poirot.
Yes the moustache is fantastic, but when presented with these numbers, Sir Branagh started stuttering and nervously rubbing his hands. He started to pour himself a drink, spilling much of the liquid's contents onto the table.
Therefore, 78% of his oeuvre is borrowed from others.
"So," he nervously laughed while lighting his pipe. "You were able to figure out the math. That must have taken you years to crack, I commend you."
When we showed him his filmography and took him through a basic lesson on percentages, Branagh began coughing uncontrollably and excused himself from the room.
We were then immediately confined to the room for a few weeks until his lawyers could figure out what to do with us. Finally, bags were then placed over our heads and driven to the cliffs of the North Sea where his bodyguards dangled us from our ankles until we promised to never mention any of this to anyone ever again.
Before they left us in puddles of our own urine, I had to ask: "So, is the moustache real?"