Kafka, The Red Pony, and the Dopest Name in Literature

Hint: Her First Name is Ursula

Hello, valued reader. Did you know that actually reading these little fake literature news roundups can help you increase cognitive development, expand your vocabulary, and help you concentrate?

But if you don’t have the time or interest to read this full article, I ask that you still scroll all the way to the bottom and trick Substack into thinking that you have; not only will that pad the statistics of my Open Rate and Total Views, but also will improve my self-esteem.

Small wins, but again, thank you.

Anyways…

Our top story today has us questioning the extent to which Ursula K. Le Guin coasted off having the best name in literature.

We also dangle a posthumous Kafka novel in front of you during one of our probing interrogation sessions that we do from time to time.

Finally, we warn readers of all ages to stay away from Steinbeck’s The Red Pony.

Shall we?

“You have today deprived yourself!”

A long-hidden unpublished novel from Franz Kafka could soon be revealed, but only if you finally admit the truth and tell us what you did and who you are in league with!

The novel could shed new light on one of literature's darkest figures, a German-speaking Jewish author whose novels are mostly unfinished and cultural legacy has been hotly debated. But you already knew that because you are his ally. Didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?

Like his previous work, this posthumous novel will tell the tale of an everyman protagonist, crushed in the vise of the bureaucratic process while tied up in a mysterious event.

We will let that sink in and be back when you are ready to talk.

Warning! Do not let your children read this book.

It's probably safe to say that you, your parents, and your grandparents have all been emotionally destroyed by John Steinbeck's "book for kids," The Red Pony. That's three generations of depression. No wonder why this country is addicted to Prozac and Lexapro.

In the book, a young boy must stand idly while his pet pony dies a horrible death, riddled with pneumonia. The kid literally does nothing wrong and in fact, proves himself to be a most deft horse-owner, but alas, all must suffer at the hands of an unjust fate in the horse-game.

In a heart-wrenching scene, the horse runs away so it can die alone in the woods. Really, Steinbeck? You just had to pile this on? The horse couldn't have died quietly, between chapters?

I hope you are happy with yourself. ***(Pops a Celexa)

Still investigating…

She may have died in 2018, but Ursula K. Le Guin is still steadily selling books. Is it because of her memorable speculative fiction series like 'Earthsea' and its influence on modern science fiction or becauses when people are in Barnes and Noble they walk by and see her name and are like "That's a totally dope name..."

Scholars are baffled but hoping to get more answers.

For her novel The Left Hand of Darkness (1969), Le Guin won both the Hugo and Nebula awards. This honor was a first for a female writer, yet very few sci-fi fanboys have really read her; even fewer traditionalists would put her in the pantheon of Great American Science Fiction Writers. All this despite her highly successful young adult series 'Annals of the Western Shore' and the mind-blowing experimental work with 'Always Coming Home.'

However, we are willing to bet that if you wrote that name down with no context on a piece of paper and showed it to ten strangers, let's say six of them (even non-readers) would at least say, "Pretty fucking dope name."