It's a Fake Literary News Roundup
Dystopias, Sylvia Plath, and British Audiobook Narrators
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Enjoy!
Facts are facts...
An audiophile obsessed with pure audio and sound quality "said what he said" when he made the claim that British accents on audiobooks just sound better. And if this makes him a snob, then so be it.
He was not able to prove it, but the man maintains that the listening experience is more authentic when the audiobook reader uses received pronunciation, characterized by distinctive vowel sounds and intonation.
The narrator should also use distinctive open vowel sounds and be non-rhotic, meaning he should drop the "r" sound unless a vowel comes after it. Also, the narrator should vary their tone, going from high to low often, while sometimes putting question marks at the end of declarative sentences.
"For me, the listening experience should never be negotiated if it means compromising the source’s unique and distinctive sounds. These words were meant to be recorded with their unique sonic signatures."
Extra bonus points for Geordie or Scouse accents.
Totalitarian regimes do have their perks...
A male Beta in the World State is aware that he is being controlled through advanced technology, social conditioning, and a rigid caste system, but damn if these orgies aren't really hot.
Yes, it sucks that the Deltas and the Epsilons are so downtrodden and overworked, but it's not his fault that they're so stupid and have zero sex drive. They like cleaning up after the orgies, don't they?
He has a nagging feeling inside of him that this system is all wrong and he vows to try to instigate change, but first, he has to plow seven other amazingly gorgeous Betas in the Pleasure Lounge.
And you know what, he'll take extra care to make sure no bodily fluids wind up on the floor or couch again. He's not just a piece of meat; he has a brain (and a heart too), y'know?
More like 'The Bell "Curves."'
Among a slew of A-list Hollywood stars, Kim Kardashian's Skims clothing line has signed a number of leading literary ladies, including Sylvia Plath, Edith Wharton, and Octavia Butler, to modeling contracts to push her new line of bralettes and underwire bras.
Per a press release, Skims emphasizes that the collection "was created for every woman, fitting every need, shape, and want" and the diverse list of models reflects a range of body types.
Kardashian revealed that she was most excited to work with Plath, whom she called her "idol" and "main source of inspiration" as she helps "challenge societal expectations of women."
"We're basically the same person," Kardashian chuckled. "I couldn't believe we hit it off so well but I mean, we're both like, feminists."
Ignoring the stunned silence in the room, she continued. "She published 'The Bell Jar' while I attached my name to 'Kardashian Konfidential,' which was also a national bestseller."
Maybe just try to write it yourself...?
For Professor Scott Graham, associate professor of the English Department at the College of Liberal Arts at the University of Texas at Austin, it's business as usual.
Armed with his red pen, he digs into the latest essay he's graded, fully aware that the student in question has tried to pass off an AI-generated essay as his own.
He circles some syntax mistakes. He writes some notes in the margin. He actually crosses out entire paragraphs. At the bottom of the essay in big bold letters he writes, "JUST DO THE READING."
He sighs and just shakes his head. He gives it a D.
Some things never change.
Those drapes, tho.
A woman visiting the Dickinson Homestead in Amherst, MA was trying to pay attention to the guide's engrossing tour of the brick building where Emily Dickinson began writing poetry, but just couldn't get past the "grossness" of the interior design choices.
"The floral wallpaper, the dark wood furniture..." she lamented. "I just couldn't get down with it."
When told that the home has been left virtually untouched since 1855, she doubled-down.
"I mean, would it have killed her to update the bedchamber a little bit? A little lighting in here could have gone a long way."
Witnesses called it something out of an Isaac Asimov novel.
A robotics competition at the Xerox STEM Camp at the Boys and Girls Club in Stamford, CT has officially been called "the beginning" of the end of days.
Whoops.
What started out as a simple "Stack Attack" competition turned into a full-blown assault when one of the students on the programming team accidentally input an incorrect code which many fear might have accidentally been one that granted the robots a type of sophisticated intelligence.
The carnage then poured out of the convention hall when robots gained a sort of "group synthetic consciousness" and began terrorizing the city. The robots then began to coordinate their attacks, breaking buildings and moving them into small piles, while others scooped and catapulted civilians to their deaths.
As a result, scholarships were not issued since no winner was declared in the competition and the National Guard has yet to confine or stop the spread of systematic attacks on other cities.