How to Sell Your Soul: Tips for a Smooth Sale (And Where to Start!)
Dorian Gray Claims We're "Worth It"
So, you’re ready to sell your soul so you can embark on some new and exciting hedonistic chapters of your life.
You might want to date some emotionally manipulated actresses, possibly take up opium recreationally, or maybe just start stabbing people to death.
You want to pursue every vice available, and we don’t blame you. A hedonistic lifestyle spent in the pursuit of beauty is a pretty awesome way to live.
You want to pursue every vice available, and we don’t blame you. A hedonistic lifestyle spent in the pursuit of beauty is a pretty awesome way to live.
Hey, we get it. But this lifestyle is a thing of dreams, right?
It doesn’t have to be.
This foul and unholy life can be yours and all that we ask in return is for you to explore your sensuality and sell us your soul. We understand that you can’t take this sort of decision lightly, but we assure you our plan makes more sense than the “other guys.”
You might have heard these fairytales of the short sale: hanging around some small town’s crossroads, waiting for the devil to show up and trade something for your soul.
But this is isn’t some reverse-Horatio Alger story where the most wicked and base are rewarded: devils just don’t routinely show up and offer deals to just anyone. Besides, you don’t have time to just stand around on some dusty ass road: you’ve got tail to chase and absinthe to drink.
We here at Henry Wotton and Company offer an easier, less emotional solution to the selling process that asks our customers to do nothing other than live the dishonorable lifestyle that they always dreamed of.
No matter how you live or what kind of shape your soul is in (no judgement), our guide detailing how to sell is designed to help you navigate through the sale in small, manageable steps.
The first step is to commission an oil portrait of yourself from one of the artists in our network. Our expert artists are very hungry and very discreet. They will come to your home and paint you where you feel most comfortable. Clothes and sexual favors as a tip are always optional.
Then one of our trained customer service representatives will meet with you and educate and mold you to the hedonistic lifestyle you’ve only dreamed about, espousing wild ideas and philosophy that only the most depraved person can muster. It might seem wild and unhinged, but it’s in this important step that the magic happens.
We can’t reveal how this all works since it is a proprietary secret. But be rest assured that the portrait will serve as a conduit between this world and another, and it (not you) will begin to age, fade, and falter with every impulse you indulge from here on in!
From there your personal account manager will help you transition into your new lifestyle as a libertine, showing you secret dens of depravity and introducing you to a shady network of other paid members unavailable to people without a subscription.
Our team will also help you navigate your new lifestyle, offering advice and encouragement if you ever lose your nerve. Our services include but are not limited to:
-Getting your affairs in order
-Finding top-rated hedonistic lords in your area
-Exploring the do’s/don’ts at orgies
-Developing your fluctuating moral compass
-Courting pretty, naive, and emotionally unstable waifs
-Training in the art of blackmail and falsehood
-Cliffs Notes on the novel (title not disclosed) that will guide your capricious and sybaritic pursuits
-Letting go and embracing the evil
Of course, we here at Henry Wotton and Company are not responsible for the destruction (lives lost, reputations ruined) are services may cause.
Also, we recommend that you purchase an additional protection plan in case your actions are so perverted and deviant that in a fit of remorse you decide to randomly stab the picture with a knife, killing yourself in the process.