Holden Caulfield Placed on Several Watch Lists

Also, Blubber's Wild Weight Loss and How to Become Lord of the Flies

Good morning, reader.

With so much taking place in the world the last few days (the Molly-Mae Hague and Tommy Fury Love Island split), we thank you for taking the time to spend a few moments with us.

Several stories in the world of literature have our attention.

First, you’ll never believe what Blubber looks like now. Her transformation from fat loser to C-list actor is an inspiration.

Also, for those looking to improve their managerial skills, may we present to you the giant conch shell from Lord of the Flies.

But our top story today is about Holden Caulfield and the several overdue “watch lists” he has finally been placed on. Dude is either going to hurt himself or others one of these days.

And if these don’t interest you, please at least scroll all the way to the bottom before you delete.

Y’all remember Linda?

She was the sad little fat girl who unfortunately gave a class report on whales and earned the name Blubber.

Did she deserve such a mean nickname? Probably, I mean, she was pretty fat and she stupidly did a report on big-ass whales. She kind of set herself up for that one.

Well, the bullied child is now grown and has a whole different look to show it! She became B-list actor Jerry O'Connell!

"Life was tough for me in Radnor, PA. After middle school, I became a child actor and went on to appear in several TV shows...shoutout to 'Sliders'!"

 Eventually, Linda earned a degree from NYU and married model Rebecca Romjin in 2007 with whom he has two daughters. Linda had a talk show which was cancelled mainly because it was hosted by Jerry O'Connell.

Have your subjects "grinning and panting" like dogs in no time.

If you were stranded on an island with a bunch of British school boys, how would your leadership traits stack up? In one study, qualities such as common sense, being able to build fires, being a "fair boy," and just finding a big shell were cited as the most important. 

And that's probably the most important: hang onto that shell as long as you can, because it is a shallow symbol that merely represents the idea of a civilized society. Once your subjects no longer believe in its power, your society has gone to bollocks.

Remember, empower and inspire your citizens, but cut cheeky fuckers like Jack down asap.

Red flags (and hunting hats)!

A Manhattan teen was stopped after he was seen listlessly wandering around New York's Central Park. The youth reeked of cigarette smoke and was partially inebriated. 

At first, authorities thought the teen was just another homeless old man due to a small gray patch of hair on his head and him mumbling about the ducks, but it was later confirmed that the youth was only 16 years old. 

Another separate report was filed earlier in the day that described an unidentified man in a red hunting hat entering a local school in the same area. Authorities now confirm this to be the same suspect.

After a short mental health check-in with a counselor from NYC Well, he was able to provide his local address and authorities confirmed his identity after a short phone call to his parents, who the teen described as "sore" and "touchy as hell."

 The youth was eventually let go but has since been banned from the park and placed on a number of city-maintained watch lists. His profile will also be forwarded to the FBI for an additional screening and background check.