Here's a Bunch of Classic Novels with the Endings Changed Because Public Domain, Y'know
Copyright, Trademark, and Patent Laws Can't Touch Us! Yippee!
Each year, dozens of well-known books are entered into the ever-expanding purgatory of public domain. This is when a book’s copyright expires and a book becomes subject to whatever you want to do with them.
This year, any novel, screenplay, nonfiction work, or poetry collection published in 1927 is fair game.
You want to print them out and sell them on the street corner? Go for it.
You want to make a terrible movie adaptation without the author’s estate seeing a dime? We can’t stop you.
You want to take the characters and put them in pornographic situations? We are interested.
You want to take the characters and put them in pornographic situations? We are interested.
Like anything, there are positives and negatives to public domain law, but opponents think copyright laws should be extended (and retroactively applied) to works entering or that are currently unprotected.
There is no incentive to continue to publish the books because there is no value to it any longer. If it’s free, why would someone pay for it?
Works will become over-exploited, because now anyone can print and publish the book and actually make money off of it. See any one of the Barnes and Noble Classics currently sitting on your shelf.
The intellectual property is no longer property, since now it has fallen into the hands of the public. That means there is no value, and the property is tarnished. And you know what happens when the public gets their hands on something. They turn it into pornography.
Now public domain proponents will try to take a high road on this, their main defence being that it’s important to have access to knowledge and works within the domain are part of the common cultural and intellectual heritage of humanity. They will also argue that without the public domain, creators and artists won’t have sources of inspiration and discovery.
Hmmmm…sounds flimsy.
Anyways, a better point in their defense is that works now unprotected by copyright laws fair no better or no less than books that are still protected. For example, an unlicensed audiobook of Emma by Jane Austen does not take away from the sales of an audiobook of Orwell’s 1984.
Also, having an unlicensed audiobook of Emma does not significantly detract from Jane Austen’s estate and her credibility as property is still intact. We don’t think less of Jane Austen if someone reads the entire book on YouTube.
Whichever side of the fence you sit on, it doesn’t change the fact that you can do whatever the hell you want with a book in the Public Domain.
To celebrate (hmm, more to flout) these laws, we propose entirely different endings for eight widely-read books now writhing within this vast wasteland of free use.
The Great Gatsby: In 2021, Michael Farris Smith wrote a prequel to Gatsby called Nick, so this property is already being played with. In fact, publication of Nick caused quite a stir because technically, Smith was violating the law while working on the novel because technically it was not in the public domain yet. Oh well, no matter. Can’t wait to see how Smith expands the West Egg universe in the future. As for our version of Gatsby, we think Gatsby should take a nice swim, enjoy some tobacco by the fire, call his insurance company, and then possibly holla at that Jordan Baker. Mess around and see what’s up. The big crash is coming and the only sport that survives the Great Depression is women’s golf. Finally a good investment by Ol Jay Gatz!
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland: Alice wakes up and tells her sister all about her dream. The sister then goes and sells all of the ideas to a local children’s publisher, and becomes filthy stinking rich. Sorry Alice! You should have written down your ideas and mailed them to yourself…it could have held up in court! Penniless and depressed, Alice goes back to Wonderland and sacrifices herself to the Jabberwocky.
A Room with a View: At the end of this book, Lucy realizes she does in fact love George and they get married and go on their honeymoon in Florence. But during Carnevale at the piazza Santa Maria Novella, George gets killed by a runaway circus float driven by a well-hung Pagliacci clown.
Mrs. Dalloway: The novel ends on a mysterious note with Clarissa approaching Peter and he says, “There she was.” Actually, Peter: “There she is.” Mrs. Dalloway is going to throw a party every fucking week and you won’t be invited. You know who will be invited? Sally Seton and all the Lovely Lesbians of London. That’s right, Peter. Your weak shit made her a lesbian.
Animal Farm: The animals look around and can’t tell the difference between the pigs and the humans. They retire to their shitty little beds and learn in the morning that Animal Farm was sold to Pilkington and will be turned into a factory farm. If they don’t think they are free now, they really won’t think they’re free when placed in a gestation crate!
Emma: Bunch of marriages, right? Jane and Frank. Harriet and Robert. Emma and Mr. Knightley. But wouldn’t it be fun to celebrate one last time all together with the key party from The Ice Storm ? Anyone who gets Jane is in for a treat. But we think Mr. Knightley has some sex-torture chamber at his house like Christian Grey. Be warned.
The Scarlet Letter: Hester still escapes to Europe with Pearl where they both can escape the persecution felt in the colonies. We don’t need you anymore, Hester. Readers want to see what’s going on with Chillingworth. Now that he’s been morally degraded, is he just going into full debauch-mode? After he shriveled up (it’s cold in the Massachusetts Bay Colony) he probably got his groove back sleeping with some women who aren’t so high and mighty. Welcome back to the game, Chilly!
The Trial- Turns out Joseph K just had some unpaid EZ Pass toll violations. He promises to pay them if he can just get someone on the goddamn phone to give him some information about his fine. To this day, Joseph K is on hold listening to bad jazz.