Grendel, a Things Fall Apart Jenga Set, and an English Teacher With No Time for Her OnlyFans
Your Fake Literary News Roundup
Thanks for spending your day with us, dear reader. Bless your heart!
A sit down with Grendel reveals what his favorite breakfast item is, while one author’s estate is trying to cash in on his intellectual property.
But our top story is about an English teacher who is so busy she can no longer entertain her customers on OnlyFans. Sad, indeed.
Read on below, friends…
We sat down with Grendel for a puff piece in an attempt to humanize the bloodthirsty monster from the Anglo-Saxon epic poem 'Beowulf.'
After just having broken into the kingdom and devouring a few terrified men, we wondered if interviewing the beast would help us gain some perspective on his actions and improve his reputation around the mead hall.
We threw him some softball questions, like "favorite hobby" (decapitating men) and "favorite vacation spot" (a Basilick's cave), before we asked him his "favorite breakfast food."
We were expecting him to say "human skull and eggs" or "blood and guts on toast" and we had a good chuckle when he said "some Danish."
We thought he was just joking about his daily intake of Danish soldiers, but it turns out Grendel has a little bit of a sweet tooth for multilayered cream-cheese pastry, too.
Huh. What a coincidence.
Cashing in...
The estate of author Chinua Achebe is unmercifully trying to profit off of the name of the late author, releasing an entire line of 'Things Fall Apart' merchandise and memorabilia. Perhaps the most shameless of all the products is the special edition 'TFA' Jenga set.
The game is almost exactly the same, however, there are some different rules to successfully "win." First, the game starts with a ceremonial wrestling match. First person to successfully throw the other players gets to go first.
Then, the game officially begins with the eldest player cracking the kola nut. Next, all players must distract the player whose turn it is by bragging about how large and plentiful their yam farms are. Finally, any player of European dissent automatically wins, no matter if they even cheat during the game.
We’re sure the game will also be hated by high school students all across the country.
A first-year English teacher in the Appling Valley School District in Baxley, GA made all these promises to her OnlyFans subscribers for exclusive content but has only been able to provide one flirty photo wearing slinky lingerie.
Why you ask? Her day job as a teacher is sucking the life out of her.
"I started the OnlyFans to supplement my income, but now with midterms and unit exams, I barely have time to pursue my true passion of being an amatuer sex worker."
To make ends meet, the teacher now must make a difficult decision: start a Fansly page or proctor the SATs on the weekend.
Now that is demoralizing.
It’s been nice knowing you, reader. We’ll see you down the road apiece.