Faulkner's Fridge Magnets, a Chapstick-Scantron Scandal, and the Hetero Subtext of Oscar Wilde

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Today’s top story involves the newly-discovered heterosexual subtext of the works of Oscar Wilde.

Also, Faulkner’s fridge magnet poetry finally finds a home at the Library of Congress, and one high school valedictorian reveals the secret to his success: chapstick.

Let’s do it, party people.

The Library of Congress will house the fridge poetry magnets William Faulkner used at his Rowan Oak home when he had writers block. The magnetic words were used in the creation of many stream of consciousness passages found in 'As I Lay Dying' and 'The Sound and the Fury.'

"These fridge poetry words are truly a national treasure," said Head Congress Librarian Carla Hayden. "To think that these magnets helped create some of the most memorable passages in American literature."

The magnets will be kept in their current sequence when taken from the home in Oxford, Mississippi. The featured crown jewels of the collection are the messages “moan worship purple appetite” and the one Faulkner left to his wife "be naked when get home."

It really works!

Before his mic was cut off by the school principal, Heardmont valedictorian Stephen "the Stever" Annias confessed that he got through high school putting Chapstick on all of his standardized test answer sheets.

"A lot of people on the internet say it doesn't work, but they foolishly covered the whole scantron with Chapstick. This is a mistake. Only put it in the middle where the machine marks it right or wrong. That is the secret."

Video of the ceremony shows Annias being cut off before he could reveal any more secrets to his success.

Oscar Wilde scholars have discovered heterosexual codes throughout a majority of the writer's work, pointing to a passage found in his excellent comedy, 'Lady Windermere's Fan.' It seems that despite his well-known affair with Lord Alfred Douglas, Wilde was actually more of a "tits guy" than an "ass man."

"So many scholars in the Oscar Wilde circle have been concentrating on the homoerotic undertones of "The Picture of Dorian Gray," that we completely missed all the heteroerotic suggestions in ‘Lady Windermere.’ It truly is a landmark work of heterosexual privilege. "

Aside from the pointed quote where a character says "I can resist anything except boobies," the play also features vivid heterosexual moments where characters talk about their partners openly, act and dress without reflection on their sexuality, and never answer too personal questions about how their "sex works."  

“Not sure how we missed this,” said one scholar.