English Teachers, the Darkest of Dark Academia, and a Traumatic Great Train Robbery
A Roundup of Literature News You Care About
Thanks for spending your day with us, dear reader. Bless your heart!
A “great” train robbery that left one man traumatized and unable to please his wife is today’s top story.
We’re also covering English teachers who have never seen the sun and a primer on just what the hell makes a successful “dark academia” post. Let’s get into it.
Wait--other teachers leave while the sun is still out?
While most of the other faculty members are bolting at the bell, English teachers must stay and do "the Lord's work," grading multiple class sets of dull, often plagiarized and always incomprehensible student essays.
English teachers just assumed everyone was staying until 5:30, but were surprised to realize other departments are just assigning multiple choice exams or classwork merely graded for completion.
"We didn't realize the standards for passing the other classes were so low," commented one English teacher. "Nor did we realize what afternoon daylight even looks like."
The darkest dark of dark academia.
In long corridors of Dark Academia, Ivy league chic, dusty leather bound books, and sophisticatedly impractical accessories reign. This is an exclusive world, and if you've never read Donna Tartt's 'The Secret History,' you might not be invited.
Luckily, this dark post is so dark, you might just learn something about the aesthetic. The darker, the better. Like basically, you want as little to no light when you post random Greek architecture or your older sister's argyle skirt.
You want it to be so dark that no one can see that you're actually just a Harry Potter nerd remixing 18th century tropes with a touch of Tumblr. So dark, that no one can see the watermark on your screenshotted vintage typewriter.
Nobody asked HIM for his thoughts…
While the head conductor's life was spared in the gold heist of 1855, he still thinks calling it "great" is an insult to him and the rest of his employees who were let go as a result of the dozens of security breaches on their train.
For one, he himself is suffering from post-traumatic stress as a result of being bound and gagged, knocked out, and kept in a luggage car. As a result of his traumatic experience, he is unable to perform sexually and his wife has taken the kids and left him for a man with a paying job who doesn't weep and soil himself in the middle of the night.
But yeah, Mr. Crichton, it was a "great" train robbery.
It’s nice knowing you, reader. We’ll see you down the road apiece.