English Teacher Able to Smoke Entire Cigarette at His Car In Between Periods
By God, He's Done It!
They said it couldn’t be done. He didn’t have enough time. No way.
An English teacher was able to run out to his car in between Period 2 and 3 and not only start a cigarette, but finish it in its entirety and get back in the building to start his next class.
Passing time is only about 3 and a half minutes, mind you.
Coworkers were in disbelief when one Carl Lincott, a 20-year veteran English teacher, shattered all records previously held by members of a small but savage crew of holdout smokers on the faculty. The previous record holder, Tech Ed teacher George Sinclair, was able to get to his car and back before the bell rang, but left one or two puffs in his ashtray.
Lincott was reluctant to reveal his secret, but acknowledged it took years of practice, mainly from just sitting around and chain smoking while grading terrible essay after terrible essay.
Lincott did him one better. He smoked so much of the cigarette that it put itself out when it got to the filter. To boot, Lincott was able to mask his activity as "forgetting something in his car" and returning with the just right amount of Axe body spray applied so that he could go undetected by the building's principal.
Always a professional, he was even able to wash it down some of his Snapple and get the "Do Now" on the board before students showed up.
His accomplishment left many in awe, including "Pack-a-Day" Paul Pettit, the school custodian who has been smoking for 30 plus years.
"It's pure talent. This kid is special," remarked Pettit.
So how does he do it?
Well, Lincott was reluctant to reveal his secret, but acknowledged it took years of practice, mainly from just sitting around and chain smoking while grading terrible essay after terrible essay.
Not only that, but Lincott was a Creative Writing student in college, a study that allowed him to do some of his finest training.
But now as a teacher Lincott is constantly stressed out, so he is able to practice all throughout the school day, catching a few hits here or there whenever the opportunity arises.
"I do my best smoking right before or after observations from administration or anytime I have to interact with an angry parent, which seems to be all the time," he exhaled.
Lincott also spent a number of his early years advising for clubs and activities, and even writing curriculum, without receiving monetary compensation. The extra pressure outside of the classroom also made him what he is today.
"It built up my callus," he said. "I was able to accomplish in a few short school years what takes a normal person a lifetime to achieve."
Furthermore, Lincott is a heavy-drinker and pothead, and these two hobbies enable his favorite pastime. Due to all these unreplicatable factors, Lincott revealed more about his morning routine so other younger student teachers might learn from his wisdom and succeed in their own accomplishments.
The first thing he does each morning is wake up and smoke a cig while throwing a lesson together. He does his best thinking while he has one lit.
Then during his commute, he'll switch hit between his second ciggy and his black coffee.
Then and only then is he ready to go 90 straight minutes through Period 1 and 2. At about 9:45, he's already in his car and on his third butt.
This process will more or less recycle throughout the day until he is back in his tiny apartment with a new pack and a stack of plagiarized essays to grade. As a reward for grading one or two essays, he'll crack a beer or smoke a joint, and then start the process all over again until the morning.
"Not many could keep up living like this, but I'm a special breed," he admitted.
But isn't he worried about the risks to his health or meeting an early demise?
For that question, Lincott removed another cigarette and quoted the Bard himself, William Shakespeare:
"It seems to me most strange that men should fear; seeing that death, a necessary end, will come when it will come."