Edgar Allen "No," Your Increasing Adult Illiteracy, and the Lorax Ends Up On an FBI List
The Fake Lit News You Need to Know
Today’s top story involves the FBI’s decision to label the Lorax as an “eco-terrorist” because he cares about the environment.
Also, a Virginia man must wait a few years before marrying his underage cousin and you (personally) are becoming increasingly illiterate by the second.
Let’s get to it, shall we?
True love waits...
A Virginia man was asked by his family to wait to marry his underage first-cousin. When the man asked what the appropriate age should be, the girl's father guessed "13, at least?"
But true love cannot be deterred. The man knew he was smitten ever since he moved in and first laid eyes on his seven-year-old kin.
So the couple eloped before the agreed upon date and made their marriage public with a ceremony a year later in 1836. What romantic rascals that 27-year-old man and his half-age bride were!
But the family finally made sure everything was done right and proper. They lied about her age on the marriage certifi
cate and the girl's mom stayed with them on the first night they consummated their marriage.
So romantic!
Weed and Netflix has taken its toll!
New studies have shown that you and your no-good wet brain can't even read what's in front of you, right now, let alone set out to read an entire novel.
Sure, you have good intentions, but let's be honest, you are getting dumber by the day.
You said you were always going to read the book series before you watched the shows on a streaming platform, but now here we are, and you are watching 'A Gentleman in Moscow' with your hand down your pants.
Studies also show you will never finally read 'Yellowface' so stop kidding yourself and donate the book to Goodwill already.
Speaking for the trees is now a terrorist act, per the FBI.
As a suspected affiliate of ELF (Earth Liberation Front), the Lorax can now be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law for his teachings.
After being labeled as an eco-terrorist, the Federal Bureau of Investigation is offering an award for any information on the whereabouts of the Lorax. It is rumored that he will attend an Climate Change protest in Thneedville later this week
When asked if either being an advocate for climate change awareness or an activist against deforestation is a crime, an FBI spokesperson confirmed that "any demonstration to protect forests from ‘axes that hack’ will be seen ‘as an terrorist act.’"
"Also, anyone ‘planting Truffula seeds’ will be immediately ‘arrested for their deeds,’" he added.