Despite Being Stabbed, Mercutio Admits He Would Still Totally Bang Tybalt
A Very Good Whore, Quoth He
After retiring into “some house” to treat his fatal wound, an eye-witness on the scene reported that Mercutio’s final words were about how “hot” that swordfight was and how he would still totally have sex with his murderer, Tybalt.
The news was revealed by Romeo’s cousin, Benvolio, who spared no crude and inappropriate detail from the now-slain kinsman of Prince Escalus.
Apparently, in between hacking up blood and passing out from the pain, Mercutio still had time to call Tybalt “his little Prince of Cats” and fully describe how he was going to undress the fashion-monger “one silk button” at a time.
Even though the Montagues were sad at the news of their dear friend Mercutio passing, they still couldn’t help be weirded out by the fully detailed and graphic descriptions of what he would do to Tybalt if he was given just a few extra minutes before becoming “worms’ meat.”
Witnesses say it visibly pained Benvolio to retell all of the lewd acts that Mercutio described, some of them possibly criminal, but he promised Mercutio that he would relay everything he said and tell it to the rest of the company.
“I’m not going to lie,” Benvolio revealed. “But some of this stuff he said made me feel really uncomfortable.”
Despite this warning, those on the scene, including the grieving Romeo, begged Benvolio to describe what brave Mercutio said.
Benvolio then went into what could only be described as the most depraved, perverted, and debased sex acts ever recorded into public record. So many of the things described have never been imagined by a human mind or heard by a God-fearing man’s ear.
Benvolio then went into what could only be described as the most depraved, perverted, and debased sex acts ever recorded into public record. So many of the things described have never been imagined by a human mind or heard by a God-fearing man’s ear.
“Again, I just want to reiterate,” continued Benvolio, “that these are not my words, but that of our dying friend and sweet kinsman, Mercutio, who was a lot more messed up than I originally thought, it seems.”
He went on to describe several moves that Mercutio would do to Tybalt, including something called the “punto reverso.”
In another detailed scenario, Benvolio described how Mercutio claimed he was going to “get an old bench” and teach him more moves than were in his “book of arithmetic.”
Then, he would make Tybalt talk dirty to him using his “lisping accent” while Mercutio “fishified that flesh.”
He paused, as this next part was almost too terrible to tell.
“Also, that plague that he mentioned before he went within…he was just talking about all of the STDs he had and how he was planning to spread them to both of your families.”
There was a long pause from the gallery, who were no longer in mourning, but more sickened.
“He said all that in such a short time?” asked the confused Romeo of the true and honest Benvolio. “I feel like you guys were literally only gone for a beat.”
“Yes, and finally,” Benvolio said, “he even acted out the whole thing out using his dagger and his bloody, gaping wound, just in case I didn’t understand or catch everything that he said.”
Despite wanting to pay their respect to the dead, the whole crowd couldn’t help but groan with disgust.
After hearing about all of the immoral and deviant acts that Mercutio would perform on him, witnesses say Tybalt broke down and will seek trauma counseling from Friar Lawrence.
Even Romeo, who at first wanted to seek revenge for Mercutio’s “gallant spirit,” retired to his chamber to scrub his room of all memory of his once dear friend. Those close to the family say that Romeo is planning to pay Tybalt a friendly visit later and check up on him.
Sources say many in Verona are glad to now be rid of the likes of the troublemaker (and potential sexual deviant) Mercutio and hope this new alliance may so happy prove to turn their households’ rancor to pure love.