Act of Choosing Library Books Way Sexier Than Reading Library Books
Ugh, Now You Have to Go Home and Read These Things
The act of looking for and choosing library books is way sexier than actually having to read them, a new study finds.
The excitement that the person feels while looking for some new and different books is then immediately killed once the person has to lug them home, find a spot for them, and then actually have to read them.
What started out as a fun, desirable afternoon out is now turning into a chore, an assignment, or a task filled with pressure.
Not only do you have to read them, you are also accountable for them, and replacing a library book is way more expensive than buying a regular book. And no, that librarian will know if you just tried to replace it with a used copy you bought on Amazon. Without all that library binding and labels, the two books are not the same.
Not only that, they have to be read within a certain window. Hurry up! Get these books read before some arbitrary due date!
And if you do take them home try to read them back at your house, it’s so boring, lonely, and quiet there (ie. it’s pathetic). What are you just going to sit on your couch and actually read for once? You’re going to sit there and read instead of doing all that housework you’ve been avoiding, you lazy asshole. And you’re telling me that you won’t get distracted by your phone or turn the TV on? Bullshit.
And if you don’t finish them, you’ll feel like a piece of shit.
If you do actually finish them, you have to go all the way back to the library to return them.
And even though you don’t want to, you’ll get more books and do it all over again.
You’re not going to just go to the library to return books without taking more. What are you, the town weirdo who pulls up to the book return with a piece of shit car full of newspapers and Beanie Babies and limps over to the book return, dumps 50 books (that nobody remembers her checking out) only to moan and groan as you try to get back in your car so you can sit there for another 20 minutes listening to public talk radio on full blast? (You know who I’m talking about, every town has one).
No, you actually have to go in and make that trip worth its while. And it repeats over and over…a vicious cycle.
Also remember: another person touched these things and possibly brought them to their house, too. Who knows what they did with them. Sneezed on them? Read them on the toilet? Read them in bed naked?
Beanie Baby Lady definitely coughed all over at least one of them while reading one inside of her piece of shit car and now its on your bedside table? Yikes.
Our recommendation is never taking the library books home with you.
Wait, what now?
That’s right. Treat the library like your own personal library. Just go there when you want, stay as long as you want, get what you need out of the books, and leave. Boss move.
No strings attached. No personal responsibility. You can even call it “your library” if you’d like: “I have to retire to the library to do some reading,” like you’re some well-to-do Victorian.
You can do what you like, you’re a taxpayer.
You might ask, won’t it take a long time to finish a book? Yes, but how elite-level is it to be the person utilizing the a library for its intended purpose: a quiet place to study with a world of information always at your fingertips. Now you’re not just reading a book to finish it, but now you’re like an ancient Phoenician in the Library of Carthage, surveying, examining, and interpreting information from an old scroll (or in your case the new Michelle Obama book).
Premier-level library patronship.
Now, you can always enjoy that desirable high of being in the library without having to bring any messy, germ-filled baggage home.
That joyous energy you get when you search and select books will never be counteracted by the three week crash you feel when you realize all of these are due and you haven’t even cracked one of them yet.
Yes, you’ll spend a lot of time at the library, but just think of all the great people you’ll meet:
Beanie Baby Lady (she’s really smart and nice when you get to know her).
Porn on the Internet Guy (he’s gross, but you might want him in your corner).
Sleeping Dude (smartest guy in here but also battling homelessness).
Man Who Talks to Himself (you definitely want him in your corner).
Candy Crush Woman (she’s somewhat savvy once on the internet but needs help turning the computer on every time).
And you, their leader.