A Braille Version of '50 Shades' Touches Readers In All the Right Places
Plus, Pints and Poetry and the Inspiring Magic of Mike Lupica Novels
Hello, readers.
My apologies for my foul mood as of late.
For those of you who know me in real life, you know that I have been in a pretty sour state the last few months. Perhaps it is a lack of sleep, or perhaps it is the creeping realization that January 20th is right around the corner.
Either way, I’ve been a real dick.
But honestly, I don’t know how I am going to do another four years in this country under Trump. I have the sneaking suspicion that the America that I used to be proud of is no longer with us, and never to return again.
For what this country is going to become, I’m sorry to my children. I feel like as a father (especially to my little girl), I’ve let them down and there’s nothing I can do to really stop what is coming. And on a grander scale as an American, I feel like we’ve let the world down.
However, there is one thing that has been keeping my spirits up as of late. It’s lame and corny and fleeting, but at least during this time of year there is always one thing that we have that can bring us joy…
And that is the TV Christmas special.
The two most recent highlights that stick out in my mind are the ‘Family Guy’ Holiday Special on Hulu and the very recent Simpsons special “O C’mon All Ye Faithful.” Both are excellent and worth a watch for their own special merits.
But I started to think what are the other great Christmas specials that have brought so much holiday cheer to the generation who grew up in the 80s and 90s (addicted to TV)? Sure, there have been so many great holiday-themed TV show episodes (‘Friends’ and ‘The Office’ standout in my mind), but I’m talking uniquely here about “specials” which either aired outside of the normal season or apart from their regular format. Bonus points if they aired on Saturday or Sunday.
So in an attempt to have control over the unknown future, and as a way to have a release from my own little “Scrooge moment” that I’m having, I give you my top 5 Christmas TV specials list.
A Very Sunny Christmas- A one-hour episode that aired originally in the middle of Season 6 (some might say their best season), the Gang embark on a holiday adventure with naked elves and stolen toys. Oh yeah, it also features THAT glorious scene with Charlie and Santa. The episode is so vulgar, foul, and memeable that it confirmed the genius of the entire show.
Mickey’s Once Upon a Christmas- Okay, this one might be cheating since it isn’t technically part of a televised series at the time, but it is not Christmas in my house until Huey, Dewey, and Louie live through the same Christmas a la “Groundhog Day.” The Goofy part is certainly the weakest section because Max is so annoying, but the special is saved with the Mickey and Minnie spin on O Henry’s “Gift of the Magi.”
Wild Kratts: A Creature Christmas- This one might be obscure, but this is by far the best episode of PBS’ ‘Wild Kratts’ (and that is an achievement). In each episode, the real-life Kratt brothers wonder what it would be like to have a “creature power.” In this one-hour special, the Kratts go up against all of their greedy rivals (the evil techbro Zach is my favorite) to help save baby animals all across the globe. In an amazing moment in PBS animation history, the Kratts call on some baby animals to create a stampede to violently trample the evildoers. That is what Christmas is all about.
Doctor Who Christmas Carol- This one is very weird because aside from using the Doctor Who actors and the given circumstances of the show’s universe, the plot almost seems entirely contrived and adjacent to Doctor Who in any way. In this episode, the Doctor is able to use time travel to inspire a “Scroogey” scientist to save a spaceship full of people from a dangerous cloud belt. Don’t ask too many questions about what the hell this all means— just enjoy all of the wry, Dickens references.
A Very Topanga Christmas- If you love “Boy Meets World” like I did, then you certainly had a crush on Danielle Fishel (also a big shout-out to the very underrated Trina McGee who played Angela Moore). What is a “Topanga Christmas” you ask? Basically, Topanga is forced to spend the holidays with the Matthews’ family, but a clash of traditions has Cory thinking twice about his relationship with his quirky girlfriend. Don’t worry, Cory doesn’t break her heart only to realize she’s the one, but not until he gets the business from a supernatural Mr. Feeny.
Anyways…
Our top story is about the very erotic braille version of “50 Shades of Grey.”
Also, we visit a brewery’s bad poetry reading and find out how to make the pros from Mike Lupica’s young adult sports series “Game Changers.”
Can’t wait for E.L. James’ “A Very Shady Christmas.”
At least there was beer...
A Springvale man was caught attending his girlfriend's poetry reading at River Junction Brewing in Sanford, ME hoping that the beer would help him endure the Rupi Kaur-wannabes and 40-year-olds just getting into beat poetry.
"Poetry and Pints" night was the first (and hopefully only) time the brewery welcomed amatuer poets the chance to showcase their inner Emerson. To make things worse, this month's theme was "The Inner You."
Immediately, upon entering, the man ordered the beer with the highest alcohol content available.
But alas, no amount of cold ones could get him drunk enough to enjoy the forced metaphors, excessive cliches, and poor rhyme schemes. However, one highlight of the night was when the man's girlfriend got so nervous she vomited her entire double-IPA on herself up on stage.
His time starts now...
A 7th grade student on the JV Middle School basketball team began his path to a career in the pros this weekend when he read a Mike Lupica novel that he bought at a Scholastic Book Fair.
The novel is a hard-hitting expose on handling the pressures of being an athlete while juggling the responsibilities of a typical Middle School student, like having some homework every once in a while and being forced to clean one's room.
"It's essentially about "making the cut," said the student. "Not just making the team, but making the "cut" in life."
After reading the novel, both his coaches and parents think he has "stepped up his game" by undergoing a profound period of introspection and now shows signs of maturation. He can't shoot or rebound, nor does he play any Varsity minutes, but this kid's got the stuff.
"Before reading that book, I wasn't sure if he had what it takes," said Coach Atwater. "But now, it's only a matter of time before the NBA scouts come looking at this kid."
Feel it for me...
It’s taken a few years, but finally, publishers are finally releasing the braille version of the Fifty Shades of Grey, and needless to say, readers everywhere are “feeling it.”
Why did it take so long? Well, Bloom Books knew it would have a hit on its hands, but wasn’t sure how the story would translate to braille which uses six dots arranged in the formation of a rectangle.
Take some of the more steamy and smutty scenes between Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey: the pool table, the ice cream foreplay scene, the Ben Wa Balls moment...how best to convey and convert any of that in braille and adhere to the rules of traditional paper-space requirements?
Publishers decided it would make the most sense to forgo traditional braille format and just “illustrate” the scene by either raising the illustration (according to ADA standards, of course) or etching out the action in dots.
Therefore, readers using the braille version will get a more comprehensible yet explicit scene that readers without disabilities would receive. Each curve, crook, and crevice of Anastasia and Christian’s hard and luscious bodies now friendly and accessible to all.